Posted in Diary

#42: lost

Things can never be the same again.. we can’t rewind time.. what’s said.. what’s done.. can’t unwind… whatever it is.. remains as memories..

Trying to cope.. trying to forget.. trying to let go.. easy to say.. but hard to do.. this stubborn head resists doing them..  instead.. piled up everything.. resulting emotional breakdowns.. mentally affected.. socially affected.. and maybe physically unwell..

The trust in you remains unchanged.. it’s me that I don’t trust.. and still… I hold back.. even with therapist.. it’s really natural pouring out words to you… I can’t find the same trust with other people.. I’m trying to build it.. but still it’s not natural..

I do wish you are reading..

We can’t avoid forever.. I don’t want that.. if that’s what you want..

Posted in Diary

#38: one and a half months….

Passing thru…. that’s how long we’ve not talk… although I survived but it’s one of saddest moments I had.. finding a soul mate is hard… and true friendship is similarly hard.. when you thought you’ve found one… and suddenly communication breakdowns… you don’t any response from the other person anymore.. you’ll feel like “what have I done?” “Why are you ignoring me?” Blaming own self is the first, you can think of.. I may have said something.. but there are words that I really mean it.. words said can’t retrieve.. no matter how many times I delete… is already said.. I’m not even sure if you’re reading anymore.. I don’t want to lose this relationship.. one and a half months… not easy to pass… at least not for me.. I’m one stubborn patient.. who’s finally… willing… to seek help.. I don’t know what will happen.. but a new chapter to begin.. you know what kind of sickness I’m having.. I’m about to off-limits soon… I can’t control myself anymore.. there are days that I will just cry till tired.. and sleep till next day.. I felt heart-broken.. I felt heart pain… I felt hopeless… I felt useless… I felt negative.. you know I can’t talk with people whom I don’t trust.. rainy days.. the worst when I can’t go out.. I became weak and extremely lazy.. staring blank at anything.. tears flowing down.. I wish for a hug.. I wish for comfort.. I failed myself..

Posted in I Say

#37: living in her own fantasy world or dream land

Day and night… dreaming the way she wants it.. how good if it true.. crying till tired… sleep away till next day.. she’s bursting off her limits… she can’t hold it anymore.. she’s breaking down more often than ever.. she feels neglected… she is in her own dream land.. feeling better in there than reality.. she’s lonely.. she’s unhappy… she’s depress.. only her fantasy… her dream land can cheer her up a bit..

Where are you? Why aren’t you talking to her anymore? She knew she owes you apologies.. why are you treating her like this? What has she done wrong that she has such treatment?

Why?