#68: don’t know what happen…

it seems like the last time we whatsapp was weeks ago.. wanted to update her on my hands condition.. but the minute i start typing the words… i felt a voice telling me “NO”. then i stopped immediately… erased whatever i started… closed the app… i don’t know why.. suddenly i don’t feel like telling her anything… it’s something like… as though we are strangers.. never met before.. never get to know each other.. there’s no “missing” feel.. it’s just not there.. the feeling is a bit like… i’m having lesser friends.. like friends never increased..

#61: just play no think

The only time when I don’t think about it.. is v when I’m playing… even when my arms hurt… wrists hurt… hands and fingers hurt… I will still… continue play… maybe I did push myself too hard… the pain… I can’t work… I’m emotional… I can’t help it… somehow.. I’ve to release it.. I played… think nothing but play.. I don’t know how long will this last..

I need to see orthopaedic soon. I’m worried about the charges. I can’t afford hospital checkups. Suspect carpal tunnel syndrome. This isn’t the first time. I got it when I started ingress and it went off. But since I’m doing data entry now… it came back on both sides and gone bad. I can’t really eat with chopsticks now.. for now.. I can’t find the type of wrist+hand support that I want.. so just temporary got a wrist support.

Things that happened can never be undone.. no matter how much you wished.. words are easily said but actions show all.. maybe just need time… but how long? Nobody knows..

Why do I seem like having problems most of the time? Sometimes when think about it… it’s tiring.. wish to give up.. but luckily she pulled me out of darkness.. I owe her for that.. I owe them… I owe all 3.. without their support… I wouldn’t stand till now..

Betrayed once is bad.. feeling betrayed the 2nd is worse.. that’s how I felt when I knew the truth. If you are reading this.. you should understand.. I can’t let go as easily as you said… not for a stubborn like me.. you guys should have just tell me.. I’ve never felt so awkward before.. I’m truly bad in pretending that’s so obvious.. I can’t even hide… I really so… felt like running away that day.. maybe should have.. that’s really 1 situation, 1st experience, that I’ve ever been thru..

I’m not as tough as you see me… I’ve my weakness..  maybe time will tell..

#59: let go..

it’s really time to let go.. something that you never got at all.. something that’s not meant for you.. why hold it anymore? you’re not happy… whether it’s a regret or not… does it matter anymore? you should have known the answer long ago… time to forget what’s said..  whatever the answer is… it will hurt.. whatever it is… just let it be..