#74: My Ingress Agent Stats

I print screen the stats when before raining. So now the stats figures are slightly different. This Double AP event gave me about 3 mil AP. Earlier target was getting 49 mil AP in total. And I did. Hoping to get 50 mil now.

Initially it was just 1 picture but exceeded the upload limit size.

#71: Reaching limits..

I don’t think I’m really that thick face to borrow anymore. Getting cash from him is harder than being thick face. If he can spend on himself more than you, it’s really time to think. Are you going to fight for yourself or for us? Is it worth anymore, if for us? Everyone is selfish at times.
I was happily posting pictures in my blog and suddenly blog dead. It’s in the progress of fixing and it’s making me unhappy. This is so not right.
Mom said I should get money from him. I did. But what’s his reaction? Sad case. I’ve said many times. Lies after lies I tried to comfort myself. What’s the point?
Still waiting for the morning job to start. Told him but he denied whatever I said, and still say I don’t go find a job. Job after job I applied. I can’t force people to hire me. You know what? He dare to ask me to ask those people why don’t hire me (he did said that once). You think I really that thick face meh?
I’m already reaching limits.

#70: Are you really that good?

Have you ever asked yourself the above question? I personally think I’m nothing good. Financially not good and I’m still fighting for the best I can get. Not for anyone but myself. Strangers see me good because they think that the husband gives me money but in reality, I’m not good at all. I’ve dug hard, dug deep until every single cent used. With my thick face, I’ve to ask help from my mom. I’ve asked help from a friend before until I don’t really dare to ask anymore. I owe him, his helpfulness. Every single decision is something crucial to me. I’ve to think many times before each final decision. That really stressed me. Me having depression is already a bad thing. With the stress, it means double trouble. I know I can kill it off but sometimes it’s just too hard.

The most experience I’ve in my working experience is as TM Contractor. I’m lack of other skills and knowledge. And that’s the reason why I’m willing to take up jobs even if the pay is low and not enough at all. I’m willing to learn as long as you’re willing to teach. I don’t have a vision of the future for what’s needed now is more important. Survival is the main focus. And to survive, I need money. Everything is money, and everything is not cheap.

I’m waiting here for the new job to start. There are reasons why I choose part time jobs. I don’t want to work long hours for 1 job, same position for hours, my wrists will hurt again like that. These few weeks, there’s no pain on both hands. Thank goodness! Later most likely need to pump petrol. Don’t think I can pump full tank, don’t have much money left.

How to survive? I don’t know.

#69: yesterday

yesterday, 18/11/17, my brother’s birthday. the exact day. we had dinner in Putien, Subang Courtyard SS15 again. mom booked a table for 6; my parents, us, my brother & his soon-to-be-wife. i was the first to arrived and lucky enough to get parking outside, in front of Texas Chicken. i came out early because i went to collect my new specs (sponsored by mom because i got no money to change new specs). then there was a slight flood and jam on my way out.

then came my parents after that.. i waited for them outside the restaurant. my brother came later after that. dinner is 6pm and i’ve told him in advance. guess what? all 5 of us waited for him. i even reserved some food on his plate and bowls. and guess what? he only came when we finished dinner and about to leave. when he came, he din even wish my brother happy birthday.

luckily mom gave me extra cash, otherwise i can’t even give my brother his birthday angpow. when i ask him for petrol money and angpow money is like i’m begging for money. i got 100 from him and he was like really don’t want give. hello.. if i have more cash in hand, i won’t ask. and… since 2006 i’ve never receive any proper allowance that a husband should be giving..

he said i no go find work. how he know? i have applying and getting rejected. the day before, friday. i met up with this guy about a job. i’m just waiting for the date to start. there are people out there who knows how i’m struggling with bills, and looking for jobs. and my stress affected my hands’ pain. he doesn’t see it from another perspective.

what about him? he spent his trip on things that i would considered unnecessary and rather expensive (anything is expensive when money is not enough). basically he doesn’t bother anything else. he didn’t ask how much i give for angpow. i don’t think he realized i change my specs. i langsung tak tau how much is the bill yesterday since i’m not the one paying. before leaving, i went to boost and a smoothie home. the next round can redeem 1 free.

most of my spending is on bills, maintenance fee, petrol and food. i only go shopping for clothes, shoes, and other necessities when i really need and when there’s promotion. my birthday is coming next month. i will definitely spend on myself. his words hurt too much. i was flooding at home.

#68: don’t know what happen…

it seems like the last time we whatsapp was weeks ago.. wanted to update her on my hands condition.. but the minute i start typing the words… i felt a voice telling me “NO”. then i stopped immediately… erased whatever i started… closed the app… i don’t know why.. suddenly i don’t feel like telling her anything… it’s something like… as though we are strangers.. never met before.. never get to know each other.. there’s no “missing” feel.. it’s just not there.. the feeling is a bit like… i’m having lesser friends.. like friends never increased..