i do need a break from here. not now. maybe after my 1 month job first. my mind thinks too much. it’s getting stuck. i’m data entry now. maximum pay can get up to RM 1500 but this isn’t really easy; the photo editing is the tricky part. minimum 100 rows per week. job start from 15/8/2017 till 15/9/2017. i’m struggling to get the 100 rows. didn’t work 1 day because of emotional breakdown. the pay. won’t last for a month but at least is something. and i’m trying to keep my mind from thinking stuff. though i can’t help it when i’m not working.
sometimes i will do multi-tasking, not letting my mind a break but that’s not the right way because i tend to stress more. even now i’m multi-tasking because i got a bit bored doing work. i’m breaking down more often than i can control. the type of heart pain is never ending. emotional breakdown is serious. but who knows? only friends who know what i’m facing, will understand. without them, i don’t know what will happen. though they can’t keep an eye on me all the time. heart breaks hurt all the time.
i don’t know yet where. but it’s a short trip. maybe a 1 day trip without me driving. i don’t drive long distance. not even as short as the nearest outstation state. driving can create tension, which i don’t want.
mosquitoes stinging me now. how i wish i have the mosquito racket with me now. had to close the windows. it’s so hot.
i have never been away alone. but i’m going to. it may not be the best solution for me. but it has to be something.
On the way back from dinner (my breakfast, lunch, and dinner), saw 2 motorists riding their motorcycle, without wearing helmets. It’s not that they don’t have, I saw the guy behind holding it. What’s the point of holding a helmet and not wearing it? IF there’s an accident.. your head confirm gone case! Wearing the helmet helps. What are these guys thinking?
Told the man to get rid of the bird nest in the wall, behind the air-conditioner. From outside, you can see the hole where the birds fly in and out. He asked me to use something to chase them away. I did but they just come back! It’s so irritating when they flap their wings at night. Told him the bathroom light not working already. The toilet one already spoilt long ago. Told him not once but twice.
Sometimes reading my block chat is really hilarious. The chat created recently because they are not satisfied with the new management company, and the group AJK especially the chairman. They are complaining issues that arose long ago plus the new ones. Things that should have said long ago… actions that should have done long ago.. some of these (maybe all) still owe the monthly maintenance fees, and some are not owners. Whatever it is…. I’m not the owner. I have to report to the owner for any decision-making.
Things can never be the same again.. we can’t rewind time.. what’s said.. what’s done.. can’t unwind… whatever it is.. remains as memories..
Trying to cope.. trying to forget.. trying to let go.. easy to say.. but hard to do.. this stubborn head resists doing them.. instead.. piled up everything.. resulting emotional breakdowns.. mentally affected.. socially affected.. and maybe physically unwell..
The trust in you remains unchanged.. it’s me that I don’t trust.. and still… I hold back.. even with therapist.. it’s really natural pouring out words to you… I can’t find the same trust with other people.. I’m trying to build it.. but still it’s not natural..
I do wish you are reading..
We can’t avoid forever.. I don’t want that.. if that’s what you want..