#42: lost

Things can never be the same again.. we can’t rewind time.. what’s said.. what’s done.. can’t unwind… whatever it is.. remains as memories..

Trying to cope.. trying to forget.. trying to let go.. easy to say.. but hard to do.. this stubborn head resists doing them..  instead.. piled up everything.. resulting emotional breakdowns.. mentally affected.. socially affected.. and maybe physically unwell..

The trust in you remains unchanged.. it’s me that I don’t trust.. and still… I hold back.. even with therapist.. it’s really natural pouring out words to you… I can’t find the same trust with other people.. I’m trying to build it.. but still it’s not natural..

I do wish you are reading..

We can’t avoid forever.. I don’t want that.. if that’s what you want..

#41: Mashed Potatoes with Spring Onions and KFC

A few days ago I bought 12 pieces of KFC (original and spicy mix) but didn’t finish. Then… I wanted to make mashed potatoes. So came up with this idea.

Ingredients:

  • 300 grams KFC (I used both original and spicy), shred the meat
  • 700 grams Potatoes, skin peeled, cut into small size
  • 350 grams Full Cream Milk
  • 30 grams Coconut Oil
  • Spring Onions

Method: Just follow the Thermomix recipe but with my ingredients.

#40: 1 became 2

I knew he’s buying a stabilizer for his car from accessories shop. But I didn’t know he’ll change the car audio too. A total of RM2k plus spent. Is it necessary to change the audio set? It’s just a Perodua Viva. That amount of money can at least help fix my car. Whenever it comes to money, my depression worsen. I can’t help it. I don’t want to talk. I just want to cry. I want a hug.

#38: one and a half months….

Passing thru…. that’s how long we’ve not talk… although I survived but it’s one of saddest moments I had.. finding a soul mate is hard… and true friendship is similarly hard.. when you thought you’ve found one… and suddenly communication breakdowns… you don’t any response from the other person anymore.. you’ll feel like “what have I done?” “Why are you ignoring me?” Blaming own self is the first, you can think of.. I may have said something.. but there are words that I really mean it.. words said can’t retrieve.. no matter how many times I delete… is already said.. I’m not even sure if you’re reading anymore.. I don’t want to lose this relationship.. one and a half months… not easy to pass… at least not for me.. I’m one stubborn patient.. who’s finally… willing… to seek help.. I don’t know what will happen.. but a new chapter to begin.. you know what kind of sickness I’m having.. I’m about to off-limits soon… I can’t control myself anymore.. there are days that I will just cry till tired.. and sleep till next day.. I felt heart-broken.. I felt heart pain… I felt hopeless… I felt useless… I felt negative.. you know I can’t talk with people whom I don’t trust.. rainy days.. the worst when I can’t go out.. I became weak and extremely lazy.. staring blank at anything.. tears flowing down.. I wish for a hug.. I wish for comfort.. I failed myself..