Posted in I Say

#25: part 1: what does she want?

she doesn’t know how important is she to anyone. she’s lack of confidence. she’s lack of security. she’s lack of money that financial support is going downhill all the time. she’s jobless now. trying to find a job is not easy for her. most of her applications are rejected. she’s feeling negative now. she doesn’t know when will she get a job to cover all the expenses. she can’t always ask help from friend because it’s not his obligation to help. she’s thankful to have this friend but everyone has own problem. she can’t rely on this friend forever.

she wants a job that doesn’t need much brain juice. she can’t really handle heavy stuff anymore. she can’t handle to o much stress too. stress makes everyone unhappy. stress makes her worse. not only will get white hair, she will lose appetite, not wanting to do anything, just want to sleep, lazying around all day. she’s been like that for months; on and off. she doesn’t want stress jobs but as you know… there’s no jobs without stress.

stress will worsen depression. she has depression. she doesn’t want it. when it strikes, it can last for hours or days. she hates it. only a few friends knew about it. she doesn’t want anybody else to know. she doesn’t know when will it strike. she feels it’s suffocating her. she’s alone all the time. daily facing the 4 walls.. she doesn’t know if ever… hallucination will creep into her life.

finding a job that suits her situation isn’t easy, especially when you are aging. even though there are words of encouragement from friends, she still feels she’s lacking of something. she wants to fight off depression without medication. she doesn’t want to talk to strangers; especially when she doesn’t have the trust on you; for she know you are a doctor, a professional; not a friend whom she can trust.

when friends tried to ask her to seek medical help, she felt very stress. she was really unhappy. she cried. sometimes she cries a few times a day. sometimes she cries to sleep. she doesn’t want her friends to push her doing something she doesn’t want, but she doesn’t know how to reject. sometimes she finds it hard to de-stress. when she can’t, tears flow like river.

she has been avoiding the problems over the years. but it’s time to face it, depression attack. she doesn’t know what will happen. all she wants now is to solve current problem. whatever happens in the future or even now.. is unpredictable. she wants moral support. basically all sort of support that she can get.

marriage doesn’t guarantee forever. it’s a path that she chose. will it lead to further unhappy ending? she doesn’t want to know yet. maybe she’s avoiding it. who knows? what she wants now is to solve monetary problem. her biggest problem of all. at least for now. hope doesn’t stand nor stay at her side. she’s losing the courage to try new things, although she’s willing to learn. courage and confidence come together. but she doesn’t have any of them.

she’s hiding. hiding from people whom she knows. hiding from almost everything. there are times… she doesn’t know how to put in words.. sometimes she’s feeling really tired.. she can’t tell her good friends, she can only tell almost all her words to this one friend. all these years… she’s been trying to find one friend whom she can really tell her words. and she found with trust.

this half year.. countless things happened. she’s really thankful (no matter how many times mentioned) to this friend. with this person’s presence, she tried hard to stand up, fight off depression, stay happy, have courage, be confident. but things doesn’t happen the way she wants it. it’s tough. nobody knows the way she does. she kept to herself. she doesn’t want to trouble friends. she doesn’t want to trouble this friend so much. she relied on this person too much. she doesn’t want.. one day… this person doesn’t care for her.. nor talk to her anymore..

the straightforwardness of this person woke her in some ways. at the same time, makes her cry. she cried not because this person said something wrong. but facts, truth. it’s hard for her to face this person sometimes. she doesn’t want to lose this friendship. never!

she’s not as good as how people see her. it doesn’t really matter anymore. she’s not her old self anymore…

marriage life in the beginning is fine… but in recent years… things change… she knew there’s problem… the biggest problem is still financial.. she tried not to complain… tried not to use too much money… but everything is getting more and more expensive… she feels the stress. but who cares? she borrowed and borrowed. she’s still owing people’s money. she doesn’t know when can she return all. she’s heartbroken in some ways.. she’s speechless. when the ball threw to her, making her vulnerable.. in finding ways to solve problems that are meant for 2 persons to work together. she can’t complain.

her lack of working skills lead her to no where. she’s lack of exposure to the world. she’s lack of not one but more experiences. it’s never too late for knowledge but to gain knowledge nowadays is not free. stress comes in from all directions. she’s going to collapse soon.

Author:

Malaysian Chinese who speaks & writes in English & Malay, and can understand basic Cantonese & Mandarin only. Born in Petaling Jaya, stays in Seri Kembangan.

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