Lazily sitting on the bed.. left hand holding the phone while right index finger swiping the phone keyboard, typing this post. Another lonely boring night.. on and off killing mosquitoes with the mosquito racket. This is what I do when I’m not out in the street playing ingress. There’s nobody here. Only room light on. Fans on. Window views blocked. Maybe can see silhouette, I don’t know. Menstrual came early, came yesterday. Mood swing to 0. I’ve walked inside the house, wearing just underwear with menstrual pad, and a top. If you want to peek, go ahead. I’m not pretty. I’m fat. Do i have friends? I do but they are not here. None near me. I’m just a lonely bitch that’s all. Rarely I blog from phone. Waiting to get just 1 successfully hired job is painful, stressful, depressing, and frustrating. Because every second passed, it’s not getting closer, is further. Whenever I thought I nailed it, it’s a negative. I’m losing hope. I might as well lose myself. I do feel hopeless. Every negative thoughts I can think of.. is there in my mind. I really need financial support until I can really be financial independent. I’m like applying jobs almost daily. I’m forcing myself until emotional breakdown. I cried. How many people can actually understand what I’m going thru? A friend suggested I have a few sips of wine before sleep. It works. I can sleep better. I don’t drink when I’m too sleepy or sick. I got the cheap wine. It’s inside the fridge. I never like drinking warm wine. Friends come and go. I don’t recognise anymore.. who’s staying who’s leaving.. who’s real who’s fake… does it really matter anymore? Sometimes I felt like I want to be the bad girl.. seeking revenge… be the bitch.. but can I really do it? What am I thinking? I tried cheering myself. Sometimes yes sometimes no. There’s always insecurity in me. Why me? Why am I going through all these?