gets dimmer during weeping days.. wanting to let go.. but every time.. there is this unwilling or not wanting to give up feeling that makes me keep going.. fire burning brighter.. I’m fighting myself.. it’s suffocating.. the brighter it burns, the more challenging it is..
I print screen the stats when before raining. So now the stats figures are slightly different. This Double AP event gave me about 3 mil AP. Earlier target was getting 49 mil AP in total. And I did. Hoping to get 50 mil now.
Initially it was just 1 picture but exceeded the upload limit size.
I don’t think I’m really that thick face to borrow anymore. Getting cash from him is harder than being thick face. If he can spend on himself more than you, it’s really time to think. Are you going to fight for yourself or for us? Is it worth anymore, if for us? Everyone is selfish at times.
I was happily posting pictures in my blog and suddenly blog dead. It’s in the progress of fixing and it’s making me unhappy. This is so not right.
Mom said I should get money from him. I did. But what’s his reaction? Sad case. I’ve said many times. Lies after lies I tried to comfort myself. What’s the point?
Still waiting for the morning job to start. Told him but he denied whatever I said, and still say I don’t go find a job. Job after job I applied. I can’t force people to hire me. You know what? He dare to ask me to ask those people why don’t hire me (he did said that once). You think I really that thick face meh?
Have you ever asked yourself the above question? I personally think I’m nothing good. Financially not good and I’m still fighting for the best I can get. Not for anyone but myself. Strangers see me good because they think that the husband gives me money but in reality, I’m not good at all. I’ve dug hard, dug deep until every single cent used. With my thick face, I’ve to ask help from my mom. I’ve asked help from a friend before until I don’t really dare to ask anymore. I owe him, his helpfulness. Every single decision is something crucial to me. I’ve to think many times before each final decision. That really stressed me. Me having depression is already a bad thing. With the stress, it means double trouble. I know I can kill it off but sometimes it’s just too hard.
The most experience I’ve in my working experience is as TM Contractor. I’m lack of other skills and knowledge. And that’s the reason why I’m willing to take up jobs even if the pay is low and not enough at all. I’m willing to learn as long as you’re willing to teach. I don’t have a vision of the future for what’s needed now is more important. Survival is the main focus. And to survive, I need money. Everything is money, and everything is not cheap.
I’m waiting here for the new job to start. There are reasons why I choose part time jobs. I don’t want to work long hours for 1 job, same position for hours, my wrists will hurt again like that. These few weeks, there’s no pain on both hands. Thank goodness! Later most likely need to pump petrol. Don’t think I can pump full tank, don’t have much money left.