#69: yesterday

yesterday, 18/11/17, my brother’s birthday. the exact day. we had dinner in Putien, Subang Courtyard SS15 again. mom booked a table for 6; my parents, us, my brother & his soon-to-be-wife. i was the first to arrived and lucky enough to get parking outside, in front of Texas Chicken. i came out early because i went to collect my new specs (sponsored by mom because i got no money to change new specs). then there was a slight flood and jam on my way out.

then came my parents after that.. i waited for them outside the restaurant. my brother came later after that. dinner is 6pm and i’ve told him in advance. guess what? all 5 of us waited for him. i even reserved some food on his plate and bowls. and guess what? he only came when we finished dinner and about to leave. when he came, he din even wish my brother happy birthday.

luckily mom gave me extra cash, otherwise i can’t even give my brother his birthday angpow. when i ask him for petrol money and angpow money is like i’m begging for money. i got 100 from him and he was like really don’t want give. hello.. if i have more cash in hand, i won’t ask. and… since 2006 i’ve never receive any proper allowance that a husband should be giving..

he said i no go find work. how he know? i have applying and getting rejected. the day before, friday. i met up with this guy about a job. i’m just waiting for the date to start. there are people out there who knows how i’m struggling with bills, and looking for jobs. and my stress affected my hands’ pain. he doesn’t see it from another perspective.

what about him? he spent his trip on things that i would considered unnecessary and rather expensive (anything is expensive when money is not enough). basically he doesn’t bother anything else. he didn’t ask how much i give for angpow. i don’t think he realized i change my specs. i langsung tak tau how much is the bill yesterday since i’m not the one paying. before leaving, i went to boost and a smoothie home. the next round can redeem 1 free.

most of my spending is on bills, maintenance fee, petrol and food. i only go shopping for clothes, shoes, and other necessities when i really need and when there’s promotion. my birthday is coming next month. i will definitely spend on myself. his words hurt too much. i was flooding at home.

#68: don’t know what happen…

it seems like the last time we whatsapp was weeks ago.. wanted to update her on my hands condition.. but the minute i start typing the words… i felt a voice telling me “NO”. then i stopped immediately… erased whatever i started… closed the app… i don’t know why.. suddenly i don’t feel like telling her anything… it’s something like… as though we are strangers.. never met before.. never get to know each other.. there’s no “missing” feel.. it’s just not there.. the feeling is a bit like… i’m having lesser friends.. like friends never increased..